Ka kei Ho

Up to this date when I discovered that Santa Claus didn’t exist I don’t remember feeling such sadness. It might sound dramatic, it really was.

We don’t really use the figure of Santa Claus, in my family at least, it’s called the son of Jesus. The story is pretty much the same. He brings gifts to kids that were good kids during the year.

For 10 years I believed that on Christmas I would get grades in the shape of gifts. I would get those gifts from God himself. What could be greater than that?

I would ask adults why some kids didn’t receive what they wanted and the answer seemed the same all the times: They didn’t behave well.

I was proud of myself, most of the times I got what I wanted that meant that God was happy with my behavior, that ultimately I had God’s approval and forgiveness.

I think the whole idea of the son of God existing and bringing gifts itself made the world a better and mystical place.

I use to have a neighbor that went to the same school I did. In the mornings his mom would bring the both of us to school, one of those mornings probably the very first days of January I asked him what the son of God got him and that was when the first brain fuck of my life started.

My friend’s mom told me that the son of God didn’t exist. I denied it. Many times. It was obvious that he existed, how else would I get gifts? From your parents, she said.

That was shocking. I still was in disbelief, I had to ask other kids, some knew that it was their parents some didn’t know. I probably spoiled some of them.

When I went home my parents confirmed what I have been told. That was a sad day. My mom asked me to keep the secret and not tell my brother nor my sister. How could I do that?

Somehow, I still believed in the tooth fairy at least I had that.